I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects