HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
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Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My last name is Zilla.