*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
You Might Also Like
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened