I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
mom had nothing to worry about
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this