[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.