During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
You Might Also Like
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
🔦🌙👣
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.