Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
just having fun
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK