Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Ovenable?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.