I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
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You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My life in a nutshell
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.