Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.