{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
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Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Oh, I bet you would be
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew