interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Omg 🤣
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
i made a craigslist ad !
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”