I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
You Might Also Like
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.