*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
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I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.