I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
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Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
he looks great for his age
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course