Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.