First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
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For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Somebody call the cops.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?