Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
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My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO