Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
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very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
fr
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
“We will wed,” I threatened
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!