Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
sistine chapel
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary