Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.