so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Happy thanksgiving
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.