When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
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Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Ion see the issue
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho