I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.