“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late