Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
You Might Also Like
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Zack Greinke stories are the best
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”