Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.