The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow