My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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That time Alicia messaged me
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?