[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
You Might Also Like
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Those are good neighbors.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.