My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
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I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.