YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
You Might Also Like
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies