Skills
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Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son