If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???