Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
You Might Also Like
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Going to church you guys need anything
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Those are good neighbors.