these two trucks have the same bed length
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Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.