Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
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My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.