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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.