My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
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My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”