I don’t hate children, just yours.
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move