“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
You Might Also Like
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I feel seen.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi