I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.