Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Florida man
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
My dog learned how to text
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it