me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
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snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions