The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–