The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
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Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The Sun
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Wedding planning is organized crime.