An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
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I created you as mosquito food.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”