My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.