Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
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14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?