I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.